Mafia

Worker bees can leave
Even drones can fly away
The queen is their slave

Can someone please orate to me the contents of the satanic missive? I’m not too good with letters but momma says I sure can crank some numbers!

Hi! It's Nancy Drew! My father got me this job through his best friend as a last minute summer internship. I absolutely don't suspect anything going wrong here. Just looking forward to pencil pushing and stapler stamping. Yep! That's the spice of life! If you need anything my office is near the water cooler. Pop in and say hello! Nice to meet you all!

Hello all. Everyone just calls me WFH so you can all use that for this situation.

What is your greatest weakness? Lack of ambition

If you were an animal, what would you be and why? Sloth, I really like the pace of their movements and actions.

Would you consider yourself more of a team-player or self-starter? Team-Player. I excel at the bench warmer role.

Do you have experience with fast paced, results oriented, 24/7 work environments? I am experienced at watching this type of work environment versus being in the middle of it.

If you were given a megaphone and allowed to address the entire company, what would you say? Is my status showing as green?

Can you work under stressful conditions? Yes, I do not feel stress or tension.

ATTENTION, BEAUTIFUL CAPITALIST WARRIORS!!! I AM YOUR NEW COMPANY LIFE COACH, AND I HAVE BEEN SENT HERE TO LIBERATE YOUR POTENTIAL FROM THE COLD, DEAD PRISON OF CORPORATE MEDIOCRITY!!! I WILL HELP YOU CONQUER STRESS, DESTROY SELF-DOUBT, ASCEND TO PEAK PERFORMANCE, AND POSSIBLY DEVELOP THE EMOTIONAL STABILITY REQUIRED TO SURVIVE A 90-MINUTE MEETING ABOUT A MEETING!!! THERE WILL BE BREATHWORK!!! THERE WILL BE REFLECTION!!! THERE WILL BE GOAL SETTING SO AGGRESSIVE THAT YOUR FIVE-YEAR PLAN WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER!!! IF YOU’RE BURNT OUT, CONFUSED, OR ONE “QUICK SYNC” AWAY FROM WALKING INTO THE SEA, FEAR NOT—WE’RE TURNING THAT EXISTENTIAL DREAD INTO ACTION ITEMS!!! TOGETHER, WE SHALL CRUSH LIMITING BELIEFS, HIGH-FIVE OUR INNER CHILDREN, AND TURN "YES-BUTS" INTO "YES-ANDS!"!! AND REMEMBER: YOU ARE NOT JUST AN EMPLOYEE—YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL, STRATEGICALLY ALIGNED FTE's WORTH OF HUMAN CAPITAL WITH UNLIMITED UPSIDE POTENTIAL!!! NOW LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Hi everyone, my name is Garey.

My greatest weakness is probably that I sometimes wait until the last minute to get started, but I've found that the pressure really helps me focus. Could I start earlier? Sure. Will I? Historically no.

If I were an animal I'd probably be a racoon. They're resourceful, mostly active when nobody is watching, and they can put together something impressive using whatever happens to be lying around.

I have lots of experience in fast paced work environments. My work always becomes fast-paced eventually, usually around the time the deadline is about 2 hours away.

If I had a megaphone I would like to say: If I tell you I'd have something to you, it'll get done. Thanks for your patience and please stop sending follow-up emails.

Can I work under stress? Absolutely! That's usually when I start working when the pressure is on. Some people avoid the pressure but I've built an entire workflow around it. And hey, it gets the job done.

Nice to meet everyone and looking forward to working with you all. If you want to come say hello you can usually find me at the ping pong table in the break room. Love playing on my lunch break. So let me know if anyone is up for a challenge!

Hello everyone!
Welcome to The Company!

My name is Keith and I LOVE WORKING FOR THE COMPANY

Some of my favorite hobbies include:

• COMPLETING ASSIGNED TASKS
• THE COMPANY
• NOT FILING COMPLAINTS

I'll be around if you have any questions or spare food, so don't be afraid to say "hello!"